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Q: My company pairs every associate up with a “mentor” which I generally think is a great idea. However, I am very unhappy with my mentor. Can you please give me some advice on how best to “break up” with my mentor without damaging my career?
Submitted by Sean Rople, Minneapolis, Minnesota
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Dear Sean, I am glad that you are open to the idea of mentoring because it can be a great way to network, learn about your business, and grow in your career. However, not everyone is meant to get along like peas in a pod. Sometimes people just don’t click, and if that’s how you feel about your mentor, you won’t get much out of the mentorship program and will lose out on an important experience. Parting ways with a mentor may not be easy, but there are ways to gracefully (and tactfully) end a mentoring relationship. Before you cut ties, make sure it’s a good decision.
Think long and hard about why you don’t want to be mentored by this person any longer. Is it absolutely necessary to end the relationship? Are you absolutely sure the problems can’t be remedied? If you simply don’t care for them, make sure it’s something you can’t live with before you cut ties. Perhaps there is someone in the company you would rather be mentored by because their goals are closer to your own or you share specific interests. Whatever you do, do not be hurtful. Talk to your human resources manager or mentor program manager first.
Before you say anything to your mentor, discuss your issues with human resources or the mentor program manager. Be as honest about your issues as you think it is prudent to be—you don’t want to insult the program or the mentor, but you want to make your reasoning clear. The more mature and reasonable you are, the more likely you are to get what you want. Schedule a time with your mentor to have a discussion.
If the program manager is on board, schedule a time to talk to your mentor. If at all possible, have your human resources or program manager in the meeting. Having a third-party included for difficult situations is always a good idea—people behave better when they are being watched and things are less likely to escalate or take an awkward turn. This person could also help you explain your feelings tactfully. Whatever your issues are, leave them at the door.
No matter what your problems with your mentor are, before you prepare to end the mentor relationship, do your best to clear your mind of any negative feelings toward them. It’s very important that you not act hostile or defensive. A mature attitude is vital. When you have a conversation with your mentor, be kind or at best neutral. You can’t control your mentor’s behavior, but you can control yours. Be graceful and tactful and you’ll be just fine.
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